Can I Get a “WooHoo!”

“You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!”

I really enjoy the title of this book. I’m slowly reading it. I think I have to read a little, then digest and ponder before I can continue reading. It has been very helpful in identifying why I have struggled with some of the things I’ve struggled with in my life. Good stuff!

I also had to write today because I was sort of shocked when I got on the scales this morning. As of last Thursday, I had lost 51 lbs. For the past 3 or 4 weeks, I’ve been losing an average of 2-3 lbs per week. It’s not as much as I’d like but it’s near the “weekly recommend amount for weight-loss.” Over the weekend, I had planned for a higher carb Sunday during a bridal shower. I had a piece of cake. It was quite yummy to eat. But I must admit, I didn’t feel so swell afterwards. Funny thing is that not feeling well made me happy. It has been 2 and 1/2 months since I have had that many carbs in a day, let alone one “meal.” It discourages me from eating excessive carbs in the future.

I prepared for my higher-carb indulgence by restricting myself to about 20 net carbs per day on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I normally allow for 20-30 net carbs. I had my carbs Sunday and then went back to 21 net carbs yesterday. This morning I stepped on the scales. I thought I would stay the same or possibly “gain” a pound. To my surprise, I have lost 7 lbs since last Thursday’s weigh-in. That takes me to a total weight-loss since March 23rd of 58 lbs. Woo Hoo!!

I also confess, I have not done much in the way of exercise. At the very, very least I want to start doing “stand-ups, sit-downs” that Steph had me do when I was training. They really strengthened my knees. I’d also like to throw in some walking or biking as well. I think that will increase my stamina and endurance and hopefully help as I continue to lose weight. One of the many things I’m looking forward to is going to my doctor’s office and actually being able to use his scales. I haven’t been able to use a doctor’s scales (even the new digital “high capacity” ones) in about 7 years.

Well, time to get to work. Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

~Michelle

I’m Baaa–aack!!

I’m Baaaaaa-aaack!!

Well, it has been several months since I last posted. For that matter, it’s been several months since I watched my diet and exercised. Since last August, I’ve gone up-and-down in emotional and mental valleys. Going back to work was great, but it added a level of stress that I hadn’t had since before my Mom and Step-Mom’s passing. You know how pressure makes things rise to the surface in your life? For example, if you’re driving down the road and some idiot cuts you off, do you rant-and-rave at them or do you kind of think to yourself “that person definitely was not paying attention” and then drive along your merry way? Well, grief and depression surfaced in a big way. I withdrew even more from family and friends.

Then there was the guilt I felt for letter down those of you that had encouraged me in your words and your financial giving. Guilt and shame tended to rule my life. It had since I was about the age of 6 or 7. I have pretty much always believed that I was a burden in any and every relationship in my life. I also believed that people only said they liked me or loved me out of some sense of obligation or because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

In the realm of weight-gain and health, I probably didn’t believe I deserved to be at a good weight or level of health. Plus, I seriously have/had some food addictions or something. I know that’s not a clinical diagnosis, but that’s what it felt like. I started binge eating around 1997 and it only got worse over the years.

So, in March of this year (2012) I finally went to see a counselor therapist. Again, nothing new. I started explaining some of my main concerns and issues. I described the way I generally look at relationships and some of my behavioral patterns. I also met with a psychiatrist within the same practice in April. After an extensive line of questioning and evaluating, my  psych-doc diagnosed me with ADD. He said my depression was most likely a result of the untreated ADD. A few of the many-many symptoms I have include complete lack of self-worth (especially in relationship), compulsive-eating, and periods of hyper-focus on activities I enjoy and the inability to maintain focus on things that do not interest me.

Over the years, I’ve developed coping tools for: dealing with relationship (I would withdraw and chose not to date), maintaining a schedule (became religious about using time-management tools), forgetting stuff most of the time (I would try my best to write it all down in my calendar), and more.

My doctor prescribed Vyvanse around April 23rd. I’ve been taking it for… well, today is June 7th. My dosage needs to be tweaked a little, which will happen at my next visit. But, between the medication and the realization of ADD, my quality of life has improved 200%. My relationships are becoming more dynamic. I can genuinely give care, love, and attention as well as receive it. At work, I am more easily able to handle “interruptions” to my meticulously planned ‘To-Do’ List and daily goals. And, I don’t have to be eating all the time at work or home.

Around this same time, on March 23rd, I started the Aktins-Low Carb diet again. I wasn’t taking the medication at that time, but experience was different from any time before. First, I started on a Wednesday. I’ve ALWAYS felt that I had to start on a Monday. Not this time. I stuck to my 20 Net carbs religiously. When you’re doing a low-carb diet, your appetite changes and you’re not hungry all the time, so I ate less and less often. When I added the new medication in April (which also happens to cause a loss of appetite), my commitment and dedication to a new perspective on food and diet strengthened.

After last Summer and Fall, I had gained back all the weight I had lost. I was back up to 484 lbs. As of today, I have lost 51 lbs. For breakfast, I might have an egg and sausage patty or a protein/Atkins shake. Either one satisfy me till lunch. For lunch, I’ll have a grilled chicken salad or another protein shake depending on how busy I am at work. For an occasional snack, I’ll have a Mini-Babybel cheese or Cocoa/Cinnamon Roasted almonds. For dinner, it ranges from salads to bacon and eggs to pork chop with broccoli or green beans and more. I have a steak thawing out in the fridge today to eat with some asparagus for dinner tonight. I haven’t track my calories, but I sure it is at least 2000-3000 less calories than what I consumed on a regular daily basis after July of last summer.

I wanted to let you know that I’m back on track and doing better than ever. I follow the Atkins guidelines and generally consume between 20-30 net carbs a day. However, now I realize that if I’m in a position where low carb foods are not available, but I really am hungry, I can eat 1 meal that’s not low carb, and continue to eat low-carb for the rest of the meals that day. Plus, I don’t “fall-off-the-wagon.” I’ll even plan for carb-filled times. But, I don’t let it throw me off track. I’ve simply decided that I need to eat a lower-carbohydrate diet because my body loves to store all the carbs as fat.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to let any readers that may have been following me know what was going on. And for any of you that gave financially to support my training, it was not in vain. Your support still motivates me to get off the couch and take a walk or ride my bike. Stay tuned for more posts, and thanks for reading.

~ Michelle

Life Happens!

Well, for those of you that follow my blog I want to apologize for the long delay in writing. The past few months have been challenging to say the least. So, I’ll backtrack a little and catch you up-to-date.

So, funds for personal training ran out at the end of May. I continued to go to the gym sporadically throughout June and a few times in July. Then panic and depression started to set. It had been 13-months since I lost my job, my business didn’t do anything productive… other than teach me some basics of starting a business, I had sent out lots and lots of copies of my resumé with little to no response. At the end of July I was offerd a low-paying job at a call center doing technical support calls. I wasn’t looking forward to the call center job, but had to accept it.

I started the call center and continued sending out resumés. Finally, I interviewed for a job that I would potentially enjoy and finally got it. I had gone through 3 weeks (out of 5) of training at the call center. I was the oldest person there and had more experience than the trainer. I found out on a Friday morning I go the new job and would start that following Monday (3 days later). So, I went in at my scheduled time to the call center to give my notice. I didn’t just want to call in and say, “I quit!” As the attendance was being taken, I walked up to the front to talk to the trainer (he had just gotten there) and handed in my ID and key card. I told him I got the new job. The other folks in the class (most of which were around age 21-23) started asking why I was leaving, etc. One of them spoke up and said, “you can’t leave, you’re the smartest person in here.” Then they all applauded for me since I got the new job. I must say, that was the best “quitting-my-job” experience I’ve EVER had. I started working as a Student Services Representative at a local career college. It’s been a little over two months and things are going well on the job.

Now things on the health and fitness front have not gone so well. I haven’t been to the gym since my visit in July. I’ve put weight back on. I walk with the limp because the arthritis in my left knee is killing me. I want to be working out. I need to be working out. Now it’s a matter of making it happen. At this point, I just want to stop feeling miserable all the time. My clothes are tight, my knees hurt, and I always feel tired and exhausted. I could also stand to work-off some anger and frustration and some ticked-off-ness. “Anger turned inwards is depression” and the ‘inwards’ is starting to spit it out. I believe Steph would approve of working that energy off at the gym. 🙂

Plan Z: Go to the gym Tuesday evening. Even if it’s only for 30 minutes. Why not go tonight you ask? Well, among all the drama-based excuses that seem to be flooding my life, I need to take my poor BoBo kitty cat to the vet this evening for the last time… as in… it’s time for kitty-heaven. He’s been battling kidney failure since September 22nd. I’ve done everything that I and the vet know to do including giving him IV fluids daily for the past 10 days.

So, please say a prayer. Loss seems to be the state-of-being for me over the past year and a half. Based on feedback I’ve received from some close friends and my own personal reflection, my approach in dealing with loss apparently isn’t the best option. Turns out that bottling it up inside and only letting a little bit out every few months in very small increments doesn’t really help anything or anybody.

Here’s to letting go and going to the gym!!

~ Michelle